im just gonna breathe slow

Disclaimer: To whoever it might concern. This is a long post. please take time to read it.

i think im uptight. yes you are.
maybe I'm a little frigid.. maybe..a slight possibility.

I think ive been so accustomed to putting on a fake stance, an expressionless face when im at home.
the face of blankness, that i forgot to embrace the fact that i'm in love.
Not talking about it at home sort of makes it talking out loud weird.

I do converse with my friends about it.
But in a very clear minded rationale manner.
either that,
or in a very dramatic manner, like when something colossal happens,
i would be theatrical and generous with my descriptions.

just to clarify,
i don't brag to my friends about my relationship
nor do i embarrass or humiliate my partner whilst sharing events or information.

I respect cause i expect respect in return.

(shit, i think I'm digressing)

anyway, back to the main point.
I dont seem to be exhibiting the lovey dovey head over heels over someone kind of girl.
But truth be told,
I am.
due to the complications within the household.
certain conduct must be displayed.
I guess my blank look expanded towards other aspects of my life.

I've been living life with restraints.
(i mean everyone has to live life with restraints, you cant go around murdering people just because you feel like it)
For me, Ive been living life with too many restraints.
Too much tension and nerves leave me never fully appreciating or experiencing everything i do.
When i say everything, i seriously mean everything.

I guess this entry marks a start of a fresh new perspective.
That's the problem with time, Free time gives you too much ample opportunities to think, rethink and ponder about new perspectives.
anw, back to my new perspective.
as i said that i had to many restraints.
one of my restraints is that i tend to care about how other people would feel before how i felt.
scared of provoking people i guess.
even when I'm mad or hurt,i clamp up, try to swallow my feelings and ignore the burning hole in my heart.
i even need persuasion in order for me to fess up.

thinking back, i think its pretty unfair for myself.
i mean, when people get mad, they just shout whatever they wanna say at me
but i have to give cushioned words.
Zzzz. talk about special treatment.

so i'm gonna just go straight to the point.
or at least try to..well.. attempt is a more plausible word.
certain things i can just blast out. but some just takes the wind out of me, making me incapable of conversation.
why make myself unhappy by bottling it up? the other party wont know the effort for nuts unless you tell them right?

anyway, as to prove my case on point,
i did something quite UN-like me.

i ignored all the mini-voices in my head.
(im not delusional okay, everybody has the little voice inside their head called conscience)
my conscience was telling me that i shouldn't do it, for i might regret it. for i might have irreversible repercussions.
BUT i blocked them all out.

well. here's the incident.
i woke up expecting a message from my boy.
when you with someone long enough, messages from that someone is like your daily cup of coffee.
so when your daily cup of coffee is not there in front of you.
people usually get cranky right?

i was hell cranky.
so cranky i actually for a moment had heartburn
i mean. this is not the first time that i did not receive a msg from my boy.
previous times I'll just sigh and dismiss it.

but today i think i went a little bonkers.
i dont know. maybe the laksa the previous night spiced up my brain,urging me to have some drama in my life or something.
but yeah, i sent quite a spicy message to my boy.
telling him that he tended to neglect me and that he did not send me a message.
omg. i dont know where that came from.

but i felt better sending it out,
at least i let my feelings known, rather than be mute about it.
somehow i only seem brave to let my feelings known when my dear is in lalaland.
or i thought he was.

so, just as i was going to stand up from my bed, at 6.11am
my phone was ringing. and it said private number.
omg omg omg omg.
i was still feeling pretty feisty from sending the message.
but the other voice on the phoneline was soft and nurturing.

the first words that entered the phone conversation was 'darling. why you send such a message? are you okay?'
i shall not continue with how the convo went.
cause the moment my boy asked, i launched into a full scale verbal rage.. which bordered along the lines of lack of attention etc etc.
In short, i was being a whiny pain in the ass.

After my outburst, my boy just affirmed that his affections for me was still strong and probably more and more each day.
he justified by saying 'ayy, i just delivered supper to you last night leh'
That line really made me look like a bully.

anyway, he later proceeded to affirm by saying that he'll sing me a song.
and would you guess my cranky reply? i said carry on. (gawddd..looking back, i think i need to drop-kick myself or something)

he sang me a Chinese love song. :))))
he was really patient and sweet about the whole thing.

so.. the terse tensed girl is slowing disintegrating. ;D
leaving a wide-smiled girl who happy to be in love.

let known your feelings and you'll receive unexpected suprises. ^^
bottle them up and you'll never know.