sometimes you wanna let yourself go..

you tell yourself.
that the period after your strenous exams is time for you to find yourself.
the time for you to actually have no boundaries, to finally have some breathing space
but half the time you are suffocating and breathless.
confined to the boundaries of a place constructed and built to be called home

giving me an window of opportunity to talk about it would not result in me spilling the beans
if you had sincerely wanted to bond with me,
there would have been earlier conversations prior to this
the memories that stuck with me are those with the maid, my childcare days and my friends.
ive grown to be used to both your absence.
my brain's been programmed to not see you for 3/4 of the day.

i used to mind the distance between us.
i was very affected in fact.
blame my impoverished childhood on you two.
realised its quite dumb to blame you two, if i really wanted to play outside, i would have persisted then.
anyway, the walls between us has been built and strengthened by the silence and barriers that has been silently creeping up.
it has come to a point where im comfortable hiding information from you two.
its a better way to live

no doubt that has caused me many inconveniences
no doubt on jody as well, the number of times she has to cover up for me. (thanks babe :D)
but i rather live with this then face it full on
cause i know what the outcome is
ignorance is bliss sometimes.

maybe my parents know
i dont think they are stupid
maybe they pretend not to know
waiting for me to fess up.

i dont know.
maybe i dont care.
i know i do care.
a little.

most of the people who visit my family would often say,
your parents are so nice! so hospitable!
the portrayal of a happy fortunate family has been very successful in the TEO family.
what they do not witness is the internal erosion of communication and interaction, the weakening of bonds.

i dont deny that i may be dwelling in the concept of 'self-fulfilling prophency'
maybe if i try to open up, relations would get better.
but..having lived under this roof for 19years,
the expectations from both parents are getting very crystal clear
telling them certain aspects of my life would certainly tense the atmosphere of the house several notches.
call me stubborn or call me a coward.
i'll continue with the pretense for as long as i can.