let me tell you about heartache

You know Something is terribly wrong when your best friend and boyfriend turns on --- You.

it seems like the emotion sadness is starting to become very evident in my life.
if ive been feeling sad for two weeks, i'll say im suffering from depression
two weeks of sadness is all it takes for you to embark on the journey of long term melancholy.

all along you have convinced yourself that you wouldnt feel this way
you wouldnt let Alevels get the better of you
but as the day of impending doom emerges silently, looming before you.
you start to realise how involved you are in it,
you morph the way you write to suit the examiners' tastes.
you master the skills taught to perfection to please the examiner.

what have you lost?
what have you gained?

Those are the questions i ask myself every single day
wondering if it is really worth it to get myself bent out of shape over this

Its times like this where i cannnot take additional traumas.
but its precisely such times where the mighty one above would deal issues that would carve a big black hole in my poor heart.

But then again

' Who can remember pain once its over? All that remains of it is a shadow, not even in the mind even, in the flesh. Pain marks you, but too deep to see. Out of sight, out of mind. '

Whenever i hear laughter
i feel nostalgic.
i see now, laughter of indulgence towards one self
i wonder
when was the last time i ever laughed for me?