direction-less

feeling extremely vulnerable at the moment.
im sure the feeling will not go away anytime soon.
and the words you say are forever etched in my mind.

honestly
i didnt know that was some girlfriend code to follow.
whilst the guy is going to NS.
i mean. i have never had a bf that was due to go in.
and the basic parameters .
im afraid i didnt follow it.

and thanks for comparing me to other girls.
that made me feel a whole lot better of myself.

you keep saying you are the one going.
but who are you leaving behind.
im am so lost.
i feel like my compass is gone and im just stuck in this infinite time and space.
and yes i may have handled my feelings wrongly.
i mis-directed my anger and sadness

but im angry and upset nonetheless.
angry that theres nothing much i can do to be a part of your new life.
i can only listen and be there.
like a still doll.
nodding like i understand

and im sad. because you seem immune to my tears.
my qualms of sadness.
you no longer seek to console me.
or reach out.

when you left.
a little part of me died inside.
and i just let myself go.
i cried.
in suffocated sobs.
which nauseated me
because i kept having the mental picture of myself.
alone, crying uncontrollably in the dark door way.
then i start to laugh.
because i find myself a joke.
like how someone would laugh mockingly at a sick dark joke.
i am the sick dark joke.
a joke that no one seems to get.

my flaw.
is that im passionate with my emotions.
which at times emotions will get the better of me.
but my heart is all encompassing.

im glad to see that you are the one being able to handle your emotions well
and im the one that is being all erratic and crazy.


2011 is such a lovely year. not.